I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
I've heard semen is good for your skin though, so that pimple on my chin should clear right up.
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
The last thing i remember is saying breakfast beer and carrying the keg to my room and locking the door.
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
Randomize
