I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
It feels like he gave my taint an indian burn.
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
Anal and Aoki tickets...I'd say I give pretty good Valentines Day gifts.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
