New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
I don't see why you're so upset, it's not like you were wearing pants either.
It's pitch dark except for the glow sticks, someone turned the heat up as high as it would go and the bathroom is flooded. Also think I just stepped on someone's face.
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
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