Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
I'm cleaning my bathroom. That being said I found a klonopin and dropped it and stepped on it. Floor is clean im gonna snort it.
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
You've changed since you got that strap on
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
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