its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
I wouldn't say I LOVE Pacman. I mean, sure, I'd battle against you in an epic Pacman struggle for blow jobs and glory. But I mean, who wouldn't?
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
Laying in bed naked is fun. I now see why guys love boobs... They're sooo bouncy! This long distance relationship is really killing my sex life.
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