There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
he passed out at 11 at a party. he deserved to be stripped down an duct taped to the floor
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
Randomize
