just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
K, im gonna wait to get my dick pierced so we can do it as a family function.
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
The report specifies "melted cheese food" as the cause of the burns. Your pride, like your cock, isn't getting out of this without heavy damage.
Randomize
