I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
susan atkins died, charles manson's lady
dont cry, there are other serial killers to crush on.
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
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