i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
Dating is not our generation's strong point. We're an era that's good at getting laid.
I'm on page 4.
Im on beer infinity
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
Randomize
