Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
apparently the secret to your success is patron
And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
I want to say that being forced to stare at the 'no.1 boyfriend' collage behind his head ruined the sex but it just didn't.
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
The airport has the best people watching and munches... It should be a destination drinking location
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
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