I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
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