yeah so i didn't even realize i was on meth until the next morning
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
The bouncer said the club was at capacity we couldnt get in till ppl left all three of them pulled their tits out we got complimentary bottle service never under estimate women
I've been getting a lot of emails from patron lately for being a great customer. Is that awesome, or should I start thinking about seeking help?
Randomize
