did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
We walked into the bar in The Flying V formation from The Mighty Ducks. We were ready.
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
Dude they have your information. Come back. The sheriffs office is here, they are pissed..please come back otherwise jail is inevitable. Call me
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
his name is devion and he has a voice like velvet and handcuffs
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
Randomize
