You're only the seventh guy she's ever kissed. Somesones gunna get EPICALLY stalked
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
Well i think matt shit his pants so ill mark that as a W
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
You told the cop you where the star of the Track team and tried to run away. So yeah, i'm not surprised.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
Randomize
