I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
So much to do, haven't done anything except hook up with sailors and work on my tan.
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
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