hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
How high do u want to get? Just kind of high or yelling at swans high...
Swans
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