I want to have your abortion
someone get that fucking seahorse.
she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
I just really wish I could go back and unsex him. Waste of my vagina.
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
Randomize
