I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
Just saw 30+ dicks. Explain later.
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
Randomize
