i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
some dude just recognized me causeg he had a pic of us making out onvhis phone
ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
Last time we had sex i was dressed like a ninja turtle and someone else was in our bed, so this time should be fine.
I hope ur kiddin
wish i was
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
Randomize