Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
Part in the USA is on your top 25 most played on iTunes. you have NO RIGHT to judge me.
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
Best orgasm I ever had! I though we totally connected and I asked him to stay over. He went back to the sigma chi house and returned with his blankie and a 40. please help
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
Well, let me first tell you that jack and cokes were ONE FUCKING DOLLAR.. It's like the club wanted me to make poor choices.
Randomize
