What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Dude i just saw JT leaving the hospital. He drove there to get fluids because he was too drunk, so they hooked him up to an IV so he didn't get alcohol poisoning. Did I mention he drove there? Oh yea and our roommates in the hospital with alcohol poisoning, she just puked up coal. So many ppl are here, it's like a hospital party, I love spring quarter!
i don't plan on having that self control this summer
Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
juast therw a cheeeeesestirng over the fnce. stuckit to sombodys car winheild... gonna luagh if i find it mlted in the mrning.
He just turned 21, it's very obvious the end of their relationship is near. Now we play the waiting game.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
Randomize
