Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
i think i scared a bird with my dick
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
We found her on the balcony debating if it was easier to jump or throw up. Neither decision would not have been good for the 91 year old below us.
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
Randomize
