i hate having sex with him only a few drinks in. i like it better when i cant remember the gory details.
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
Just finished texting the 27th male name in my phone that i don't recognize. none of them were the hott kid i made out with last night. the search continues.
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
unless you want this visit to have a different tone... more romantic, less molly in a hotel room
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
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