Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
Kind of a slow process. Played 9 holes with her yesterday. Wish one of them was hers
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
There is ecstasy everywhere. Get over here right no5w. The 5 is silent.
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
Randomize
