We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
I think my vagina is phsycic. All day it tingled and then BAM Channing Tatums look alike fucks me like ive never been fucked in my life.
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
Sooooo drunk. We had the best sex ever and after he looked at me and said "That's whats up". I looked at him weird and he said "Young Jeezy would say it" and passed out on me naked. I think i might be in love
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
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