so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
So um... You probably shouldn't post that picture of me and your crotch just because that's a new level of raunchiness that I'm not willing to accept yet
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
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