you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
once the tequila comes in everyone elses feelings go out the window.
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
Randomize
