UPDATE: In a passionate fit of self love, I brought myself to orgasm under the moon on my 7th floor balcony, ejaculating between the rungs towards the ground.
Unfortunately, I did not realize that most of it would end up on the balcony below mine.
At least you don't cum in color.
Cleveland boys shit in their own pumpkins in their own living room. Got pictures to prove it.
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
Randomize
