Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
I now have a GPA requirement for guys I hookup with more than once.
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
Randomize
