Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
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