cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
Would fucking the college coach be against recruiting rules?
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Randomize
