You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
I want to be your penis for a week.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
Randomize
