i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
My RA just gave me tips on how to have discreet shower sex. Were we that loud?
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
I was grinding on people that were grinding. Nonconsensual.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
Randomize
