I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
Taking body shots off hot Camren. Get here now.
I just took a plan B pill with my preworkout. That's the level I'm on today.
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
I couldn't be more proud to be a cougar. Just wondering how these twenty somethings learned how to fuck so well? Must be porn.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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