got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
You said you didn't deserve to walk so you started crawling down to your room
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
Randomize
