can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
Randomize
