remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
Well, it was good.. One step forward for my vaj.. One giant leap backwards for my integrity.
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
I'm just now starting to feel better... I remembered sleeping on the floor. I was peeing and saw his rug and it looked so comfy
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
Randomize
