Yes give me all the cream and he's gone
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
Everyone was soo nice and genuine.. Then again it coulda just been the drugs.
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
Randomize
