we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
I could give you a full detailed description of 75% of the penises in that room
Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
do you wanna get some fucking pussy tonight.....THEN DRESS LIKE IT
I'm sorry for gagging during our first time having sex
I was drunk
Please answer
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
So if her brother fucks my brother, can I just tell her that anal sex is in her genes?
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
Randomize
