Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
Randomize
