as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
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