Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
i should not be allowed to orgasm that much in one day.
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
DETAILS
long story
just tell me the parts i wanna hear
weed, brooklyn, rough sex.
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
Randomize
