So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
So watch family guy till our brains melt and then bang till our bodies hurt?
I need to hump something and I know u understand.
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
Well, I dont really know how much penis you have at your disposal so I cant be sure
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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