Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
you miss my big massive throbbing cock dont you?
Woah.
that's not how you spell hell yes.
I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
are you sure you're not interested? he's the dunkin donuts employee of the month.
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
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