I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
im not gonna bother asking u how it was... we could hear u through the walls
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
He's all enlightened and liberal. My next beefcake will be much more Neanderthal.
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
Randomize
