I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
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