He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
Are we still banned from the library?
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
And I told him that even though were not together, if he has sex with anyone I would have sex with someone else, video tape it and send it to him.
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
Randomize
