Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
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