I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
Ill do this for you.
You are a team player.
This is me making up for not putting my tongue inside you more.
I could make wine with my vomit
I'm sorry. Both for you two breaking up and because I just ate some of your cheez it's.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
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