either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
1. Are there men involved 2. Is there food involved 3. Do I have to put pants on 4. Do I have to leave this bed
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
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