But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
I have fence marks all over my body
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
Casey, if you want the continuing love of our mother, you're gonna need to stop drunk texting her from PCB.
I would offer you moral support, but I have questionable morals..
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
Randomize
