Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
My love will cover her like lulu lemon yoga pants. Casually supportive and always complimenting your Ass.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
just answer this one ? for me. why is there human shit in my shower right now?
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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