I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
DO IT!!! IT MUST BE FATE THAT I GAVE YOU THAT CONDOM!!!!
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
Just start grabbing cocks. It can't go wrong! Just say you thought you knew him and wanted to check.
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
I just deff did the walk of shame.. His roommate/manager woke us up. A dog scared me on my stumble to the car.
This is why I'm single.
Randomize
