If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
They are doing the auction. One of the items in the auction is a grenade launcher.
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
I saw a classic trojan enz laying on his desk. So he's probably not into the kinky shit.
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
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