M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
I should have been more specific when I asked for 8 inches.
we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
Randomize
