R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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