We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
I was fucking trucked by the swat team last night on State Street after UK won. But I got a picture with the guy afterwards so I forgive him
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Randomize
