I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
My valentine's day: watching The Notebook, and porn, eating chocolate, and ice cream. All while jacking off.
Wow... you've managed to cover all of the sad girl stereotypes that exist.
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
Interesting. All i can really say is humanoid shaped doritos bags melting very slowly
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
Randomize
