I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
I am at the gas station and there is a whole amish family here I'm not sure why the amish need gas but I think its worth investigating
They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
Does it make me a prostitute if I accepted a Life House concert ticket for giving this guy head?
No. It just means your good at giving head.
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
I just think that if you're going to run around naked outside, a feather boa should be involved. Half for the flair and half for an emergency cover.
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
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