I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
my shit smells like andre
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
Just found out my 21st birthday is on a Wednesday. The possibilities are cheap, as well as endless.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
Well were gunna have to wash the couch cover now...maybe even the couch, soap or fire your decision
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
day drinking caused me to be in bed at a decent time. can't complain.
My only contacts are booty calls or the club hockey team.
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
Randomize
