the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
Come over we're drinking with orange soda as a chaser to honor 90s nick kenan and kel.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
yyyea i think im gonna go get a bowl and play skyrim. And by bowl i mean something i can throw up in, not weed
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
This whole thing is fucking bullshit. I should be wasting all my hard-earned money at Planet Con this weekend but NOOOOOOOOO. Now I'll never get Roy Thomas to sign my comic
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