I'm sorry for the crack den comment. You have a lovely apartment.
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
I like to think of it as a lesbian feast.
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
So when I walked out, everyone was chanting ONE OF US, someone draped a lei over my head, and then she grabbed my ass and dragged me back into the bedroom. I'd say it was a pretty good night to lose my virginity.
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
Randomize
