Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
hey got me stoned for the first time when i was 14. there is no bond stronger
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year
wow. THAT good huh
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
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