Soap is not a condiment
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
Randomize
