Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
No she wasnt mad! I told her that I "mis-remembered" nailing her friend.
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
Randomize
