yo my bday is less then one week away. hope youve found another annoying candian i can lick dairy products off of. also sorry about your loss
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
I think she's going to be dangerous to drink with, but I'm ready for the adventure.
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Randomize
